I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
