My Higher Power is John Stamos
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize