I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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