I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I just pynch a tree in the face
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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