Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
