does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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