I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
