im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize