Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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