did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
