OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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