No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
