And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
