the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
don't judge my taste in strippers
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize