Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
