Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
