wanna go halves on a baby?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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