Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
