I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
