You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
