Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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