You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
im calling her cock vulture from now on
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
