Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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