you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
