that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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