i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
