what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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