I wish I could punch you in the face.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
