Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
