i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
