Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
