You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
