Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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