My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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