I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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