You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
