My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
