Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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