The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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