I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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