i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
