I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
