they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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