You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
