I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
