I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
