yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize