Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
