i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
