I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
