Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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