Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
