Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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