Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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