You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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