We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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