Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
not ubering you a puppy
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You don't make any sense
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