Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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