My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
