Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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