You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
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