They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
