He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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